I never realized until I placed myself on a spending freeze how much I shopped when I felt bad.
If I had a bad day at work, or if life felt overwhelming, there was always shopping to make me feel better.
I could scroll Amazon, walk the halls of Costco, look at Nordstrom’s website, or grab some stuff at Home Depot.
I guess before I decided to start a spending freeze, I didn’t realize that I really just buy stuff whenever I felt like buying stuff.
Today, I couldn’t buy anything. I wanted to go to Target and buy some cute notebooks for work, or nice office supplies, but I didn’t. I didn’t buy anything for myself today.
What was weird is that by not buying anything for myself, I had enough money to get a coworker a $50 REI gift card for her birthday. I bought it and gave it to her, and afterwards I didn’t feel guilty like I usually do. I felt good seeing the look on her face and how much she appreciated the kind gift and gesture.
When I used to binge shop, I would always feel guilty after I gave away a big gift, because I felt like there might not be anything left over for me if I gave it away.
Sometimes when I was younger, I remember buying a gift for a friend, keeping it in my closet, and then deciding that I liked that gift too much and would just keep it for myself. Needless to say, stuff mattered to me, and somehow I had a strange attachment to all my stuff.
That is not an example of putting your relationships first.
This experiment (day 1) has already helped me learn that there will always be something left for me, even if I buy a gift and give it away.
Growing up, my mother was a hoarder. She moved here from a 3rd world country and barely had enough food to eat as a child.
She taught me (1) how to shop when you’re not feeling good (2) to make sure and keep all your money, because if you give any away, none will be left over for you to shop with.
I know that something is changing in me already. I can’t go out and buy a Luis Vuitton purse or a new piece of furniture just because I had a crappy day at work.
Today, I am feeling all of my emotions. They kinda suck right now during the pandemic, but I’m letting myself feel whatever I feel.
I think we all grow up believing something about money, whether true or not, and that helps shape how we deal with things as adults.
Reflection Questions
It’s important for each of us to ask ourselves:
How did our relationship start with money?
How did our parents handle money?
How did others influence you?
Am I happy with my relationship with money?
If not, then what do I want to change?
Financial Day Dreamer 